The Big Green Parenting Experiment

raising a healthy family in a toxic world

A river for you, Newtown.

on December 14, 2012

Today I cried. I cried a river. With every reporter that I witnessed choking back tears, the river grew deeper. The moment when it was revealed to Lester Holt that the gunman attacked a kindergarten classroom and he uttered ‘kindergarten’ with tears in his eyes and a shudder in his voice will forever be burned into my memory. I don’t really watch television, but at the first buzz of the horrifying words ‘school shooting’, I had to turn it on. I shared the thought that so many others expressed: ‘oh please no. Not again.’

This is the most horrific thing that I have ever witnessed in my life. 9/11 was awful. This feels worse. Perhaps it’s because as I sit, staring at the television with tears rolling down my face and a hand covering my mouth which just will not close, I am also looking at the image on a small monitor. The image of my own little angel, sleeping soundly. This beautiful image usually makes me feel at peace. It makes me smile. Today it makes me cry harder. It makes me question my ability to keep her safe in a world filled with hate, violence and tragedy. It forces me to wonder if I can ever prepare her, or myself, for the unimaginable. And if I will be there in her greatest times of need.

I am so sick today. Sick with sadness, grief and anger. Sick of humans taking lives, innocent lives that could have changed our world for the better. Sick of excuses. Sick of waiting for the next tragedy and wondering which one will be the last straw. What the hell are we waiting for?

What has happened to America? The world? Why am I dreading the day that I send my child to school, the mall or the movie theatre? Why do I suddenly feel guilty for bringing new life into this world? For fear that some mental defective will mow her down without batting an eye if she happens to be in his path of destruction? Is this really the world that we live in? I feel so sick.

I am sorry, Newtown. Like, really, truly, whole-heartledly sorry. I am sorry for your pain. I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry for what your children have witnessed, for innocence lost. I am sorry that your school, your town, your lives will never, ever be the same. I am sorry for the gifts that will go unopened. And for the sorrow that this date will forever bring. I am so, so sorry.

Please know that we are grieving for you, with you, Newtown. Your children are our children. Your hearts are our hearts. Your pain is our pain. And while things may never, ever be the same, may your souls feel the love and find strength in this river. A river we are all crying for you.

Rest in peace, sweet angels. Rest in peace.

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